


can't erase the way it pulls

by Lire_Casander



Series: in this broken beautiful mess [6]
Category: 9-1-1: Lone Star (TV 2020)
Genre: Alex Is His Own Warning, Angst, Fluff, M/M, Mentions of overdosing, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-07
Updated: 2020-11-07
Packaged: 2021-03-08 19:22:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,324
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27301873
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lire_Casander/pseuds/Lire_Casander
Summary: two birthdays in tk’s life
Relationships: Carlos Reyes/TK Strand, TK Strand/Alex
Series: in this broken beautiful mess [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1989202
Comments: 4
Kudos: 106





	can't erase the way it pulls

**Author's Note:**

> beta’ed by [meloingly](https://archiveofourown.org/users/meloingly/pseuds). any remaining mistakes are my own
> 
> title from _porcelain_ by marianas trench
> 
> written for [tk strand week 2020](https://tkstrandweek.tumblr.com/post/623797377206255616/welcome-to-tk-strand-week-2020-please-join-us-in), **_day 6: “i haven’t felt this good in a while” + fun/birthday (ronen rubinstein’s birthday!) + tk and owen_**
> 
> written for **_undeserved reputation_** from my [bad things happen bingo card](https://lire-casander.tumblr.com/post/626174763915722752/welcome-to-my-very-own-bad-things-happen-bingo)

**i. [alex]**

TK has always been a sucker for grand gestures, even if it hasn't always turned out right for him. If heʼs being honest with himself, most of his grand gestures have somehow ended up being spectacular failures. But that doesn’t mean he wonʼt keep trying — if heʼs learned something from his father, it’s that relationships of any kind require effort and sacrifice. TK knows a lot about sacrifice — heʼs witnessed both his parents sacrificing half their lives for him, and for each other, before reality showed them that there are things that canʼt be saved. 

TK reminisces on his fatherʼs words about love — how itʼs been for him, during his two failed marriages, and how he still believes in love despite everything — as he tries to glue together the letters heʼs created for Alex’s birthday. He checks the clock over the TV — he still has time before his boyfriend shows up for their weekly dinner date. In fact, he still has time until the actual birthday, three days from now, but he wants everything to be perfect so he’s working hard on his surprise.

For all his love of grand gestures, he’s also a firm believer in fate. He doesn’t think anything happens by coincidence — and the fact that Alex’s birthday is exactly the same day as his, almost to the exact hour of birth, is enough for him to believe that they’re star-crossed lovers, destined to be together. 

TKʼs tongue peeks out in between his lips as he focuses on the task at hand. He needs the banner to be perfect, and he has to hide it before Alex rings the bell. He’s softly humming Harry Styles’ latest song as he works, singing _I haven’t felt this good in a while_ over the lyrics when the words fit. He’s slowly making progress, and the result is something he likes when he stops to admire his work. But the sparkly glue isn’t dry yet when his boyfriend knocks on the door, so TK has to improvise. 

“Coming!” he calls out when the sound on the door becomes insistent. He looks around wildly, searching for a place to put the banner so Alex doesn’t see it. Upon lack of inspiration, TK leaves it on top of his bed hoping the glitter doesn’t ruin the cover, and hastily closes the bedroom door. 

When he opens the entrance door to his boyfriend, heʼs out of breath. “Hello, gorgeous,” he greets, winking at his boyfriend. Alex shoots him a weird look before stepping into the tiny apartment. 

TK is used to having him around. They barely go to Alex’s — too far away from the station the days TK gets off shift late, and besides Alex has shown more interest in spending time at TKʼs apartment in Red Hook so TK has never fought it — so it's normal for Alex to wander around the place as though he owns it. Usually TK wouldn’t mind, but today he canʼt afford his boyfriend being nosey into the bedroom, so he has to think quick when Alex starts to walk toward the main room to leave his coat. 

“Why don't you hang it on the coat rack by the door?” he suggests. He knows he sounds suspicious when Alex glares at him. 

“That rack is older than both of us combined,” Alex points out. “You always say that it would crumble with the weight of just one light jacket.” 

“I fixed it!” he lies, his voice a notch too high, making it easy for Alex to pick up on the strangeness of the situation. 

“Why don't you want me to get into the room, TK?” he asks, taking a few steps toward the place before TK cuts right in front of him. 

“Itʼs, uh, it’s—” 

He canʼt find the words, and heʼs stammering — a habit that he drags from childhood whenever heʼs nervous and something that Alex doesn’t like at all. 

“Are you ever going to say anything, TK? Or are you going to lie?” Alex spits, throwing his hands in the air. “Because that's what youʼve been doing for at least a week!” 

“I haven't lied!” TK protests indignantly. He hates being called a liar, mainly because the drugs had turned him into one — into a thief as well —and he doesn’t do well with memories of a not so distant past. 

“Then why don't you want me to go inside?” Alex insists. “Is there someone there you don't want me to see? Are you cheating on me?” 

TK scoffs. There are many things he can be accused of, but he wonʼt be charged with cheating when he would never, ever, do that to any of his boyfriends. He doesn’t break trust like that — he may have toyed with trust in the past, when he was using, but he's never cheated on a partner. 

“Now you're offending me,” he almost shouts back at Alex. “It’s just—Alex, I swear—” 

He can feel the moment Alex’s brain makes a connection that's entirely unfair and false, but it's the logical one even though TK doesn’t like it. It still hurts when Alex scrutinizes him before stepping forward in an attempt to reach the bedroom. 

Expecting it doesn’t mean the blow hurts less.

“Are you dealing again, TK?” Alex says, trying to walk past him. TK grabs his arm to stop him, but Alex squirms to free himself from TKʼs grip. “Is it why youʼve been acting weird all week? Because you're back on drugs?” 

TK feels the words as though they’re a punch in his gut. He knows he put Alex through a lot in the beginning of their relationship, while he was still navigating the turbulent waters of being sober at the same time as he tried to woo the gorgeous god-like man he met on his way to work on a Monday morning while both of them were still too asleep to actually function. He still remembers the warm, fuzzy feeling he got when he looked into Alex’s brown eyes for the first time — he still remembers how wonderfully his voice rang in his ears. He can’t reconcile that memory with the man currently standing in front of him, arms akimbo and a dejected rictus in his plush lips.

“What are you talking about, Alex?” he manages to choke out.

“I can _smell_ something funny around here,” Alex accuses. “And you’ve been jumpy the whole week. And now you’re hiding something from me in your bedroom. It’s just too similar to how we started, and to why we first broke up, TK! I can’t believe it!”

TK shakes his head in disbelief. “I don’t know what you’re talking about, Alex,” he tries again. When Alex frowns at him and feints for the bedroom door, trying to skirt past TK, he knows he has to give his boyfriend something more detailed. He has to ruin the surprise before ruining his relationship.

“You surely know!” Alex screeches. “Let me pass!” he keeps crying out when TK grabs his arm again to keep him from walking past him. “Let go of me!”

“It’s a surprise for your birthday, okay?” TK finally relents, freeing his boyfriend with a defeated sigh. “It’s a banner in glitter for your birthday, okay? That’s what you’re smelling. It isn’t drugs, it’s just glue. I swear, I’m not dealing again, I’m not using again!”

Alex stares at him in silence for what feels like an eternity, TK fidgeting under his gaze but never averting his eyes. He isn’t lying — he’s not using again, even if in the beginning of their relationship he kinda relapsed and kept it from everyone, leading Alex to break up with him the first time. They made amends later, and TK still remembers the explosive make-up sex that followed.

The silence stretches and stretches until it’s unbearable.

“I can’t believe you,” Alex finally says. “I can’t _trust_ you. You’ve lied to me before. How do I know this isn’t just another ploy to hide what you’re really doing?”

“Alex, please,” TK stutters. He’s not above begging for his boyfriend to believe him, but Alex gives him no chance to do so.

He simply turns around, buttoning up his coat as he moves, and he storms out of the apartment before TK can even utter another word, leaving him alone and aching in the middle of his own living room, with a glittery banner inside his bedroom and a gaping hole in his heart.

Alex spends their birthday with his spinning class — TK knows because he posts stories on his Instagram account. But he doesn’t pick up the phone when TK tries to reach him — to wish him a happy birthday, to apologize, to beg Alex to take him back. TK wastes his time between crying on his pillow and trying to talk to his boyfriend again. He doesn’t even muster up enough strength to talk to his own father when he calls to wish him a happy birthday — and, probably, to scold TK for refusing to spend the day with his family.

TK isn’t in the mood for yet another person telling him in how many exact ways he’s been a failure and a disappointment. He isn’t in the mood for his father to remind him how deserving he truly is of the situation he’s in — how right Alex is in believing this reputation of a junkie TK has earned for himself over the years. He’d rather disappear from the world until he can reach his boyfriend.

When they finally talk, two days after their shared birthday, it’s like nothing happened, and TK wants to believe that they can be mended.

Seven months, three weeks, four days and a few hours later, TK thinks itʼs better to end his world than to keep living without Alex. 

**ii. [carlos]**

It’s been four years since TK last celebrated his birthday. He’s banned every single surprise party and gathering to celebrate the day he was born — he doesn’t want to be reminded of the moment he should have seen the end of his world coming. He’s always been oblivious to the twists and turns of his own life, but _that_ was the final nail in the coffin.

He doesn’t believe in fate anymore, either.

He hadn’t believed in fate when he first met Carlos Reyes under the rain on their very first call as the new 126. He hadn’t believed in fate when Carlos had asked him for a dance at the honky tonk bar. He hadn’t believed in fate when the solar flares had taught him that he still had a choice in his own life.

They’re just coincidences, results of his own endeavour through life, and nothing can convince him otherwise. 

He’s been dodging all kinds of bullets about his birthday for a week now, but it seems his father isn’t taking the hint, because the moment TK steps into the kitchen on the morning of the actual date, Owen is already making some orange juice and humming some birthday tune that grits on TK’s nerves instantly.

“Dad,” he warns. “Don’t start.”

“Good morning to you too, son,” his father greets him mockingly. “How have you slept?”

“Dad,” he repeats. “Don’t. Start,” he says once again, marking the words vehemently.

“I don’t know what you mean. I’m not starting anything,” his father replies with a feigned innocent look on his face. The wrinkles around his eyes give him away — TK knows him enough to know that he’s suppressing a giddy smile.

“Sure you don’t.” TK wanders around the kitchen, grabbing a banana and one of the oatmeal pancakes his father has already made. “But, just in case, don’t _even_ think about it. You know I don’t like birthday parties, or birthday surprises, or birthdays in general.”

“You mean, you haven’t liked _your_ birthday ever since Alex,” his father retaliates. TK winces at the mention of his former boyfriend. Even after four years, he’s still hurt by his mere name. “I’ve seen you throwing an absolute _bash_ for Carlos’ thirtieth birthday a couple of years ago, and this year you organized a wonderful gymkana for Mateo’s twenty-fifth birthday.”

“First, I don’t think anyone says _bash_ anymore, Dad. And second,” TK points out, stopping to bite the banana and chew on it before talking again. “Second, Dad, when you put it that way, it seems I’m this ogre who doesn’t like his own birthday.”

“Haven’t said you’re an ogre, but you certainly don’t like your own birthday,” his father says. He’s stopped the mixer and is now staring straight into TK’s eyes. “I understand that it’s full of bad memories, but it’s sad to see that you won’t even _think_ about making new memories on the actual date. It’s like you’d rather wallow in self-pity than proactively be happy the way you’ve been the past years.”

“Good to know that’s the image I’m projecting,” TK says sulkily. He tries to turn around and leave the kitchen, but his father is faster and stops him from stepping away. “Dad, I don’t want to keep talking about this.”

Owen is keeping him in place with a strength that TK didn’t know he had — maybe he doesn’t want to be budged, either. They enter a staring match in which neither wants to avert their gaze.

“I didn’t want to spoil the surprise,” his father says eventually. “But since you’re being such a jerk about this, and you refused to tell Carlos anything about what you want for your birthday, I don’t want _you_ to ruin it.”

“Ruin what?” TK asks, against his better judgment. 

“Carlos’ surprise. He’s throwing a surprise party for you, since you’re turning thirty this year, and even if he knows you don’t celebrate the day, since you haven’t told him about the real reason behind it, he thought this birthday was worth celebrating. He’s been working so hard to give you a wonderful time, and you’re being a brat about it.”

TK shakes his head. It’s true he hasn’t told Carlos about why he doesn’t like celebrating his birthday — he still feels mortified whenever he thinks about it. But it’s ingrained in his soul, in the very core of his most shameful memories, and he’s never been able to voice his fears without feeling like an absolute idiot for still allowing Alex to seep into his life four years later.

“Talk to him, TK,” his father suggests. “You haven’t been there when he’s called completely stressed out because you would close off in a way you hadn’t done for _years_. He’s too much of a gentleman to ever tell you about it, but I can tell it’s making him feel bad.”

“We always talk,” TK protests. “He can come to me about it. Why has he come to _you_?”

“Can he really talk to you about it, son?” his father asks, but it’s more of a rhetorical question, for he launches almost immediately, “I’m just saying that there’s a party tonight at Carlos’ apartment, and that I hope that, when you arrive there, you’ll act surprised and delighted and thank your boyfriend for his effort. And afterwards, I hope that you talk to him. I like this one, TK. There’s no need to push him away because of a petty memory.”

“It’s not a petty memory!” Tk finally breaks. “It’s me not wanting to be reminded of what I deserve! Why can’t you all allow me to wallow in self-pity for just one day and get over it?”

“How come celebrating your birthday is reminding you of what you deserve? If by that you mean that you deserve love, then I can’t—”

“Alex thought I was using again,” TK blurts out, stepping away from his father. “He thought I was dealing again, that I had relapsed. Every time I think about my birthday, I get reminded of that line he said to me, and how the reputation I built for myself back when I was young and stupid will always follow me wherever I go! I’ll always be the junkie to everyone!”

His father looks down at him with a softness in his eyes that TK can’t really bear. He tries to shy away from those eyes that can burn holes in his soul, but his father’s hands find his chin and they keep his face upwards until it’s impossible for him to avoid his father’s gaze anymore.

“Listen to me, Tyler Kennedy, because this is important. You are not a junkie,” his father begins, ignoring him as TK winces at the use of his complete given name. “It hurts me to hear you say that. It hurts _you_ to say that. You had a problem. You solved it and then relapsed and then solved it _again_. The image everyone has of you here is exactly the same I have, son. You’re a strong, capable man who’s fighting a battle he can’t win alone. And you’re not alone, TK. Not anymore. I would kill Alex with my bare hands for ever making you believe you aren’t deserving of love.”

TK shakes his head. His eyes are already filling up with tears, and the last thing he wants is to cry in front of his father — he’s used to crying on his birthday, but only in the confines of his own bedroom. “Dad, please—”

“Could you do me a favor?” his father asks. “Could you think about the reason why not one of your boyfriends knew about your full name and Carlos uses it freely?”

“You know why,” TK mutters. “You know how he found out. Don’t you remember the scolding you put me through because of it?”

“Oh, I do remember,” his father chuckles. “But the question isn’t how he knows. It’s more about _why_ you haven’t banned him from using it yet.”

TK hangs his head low without answering. He knows the answer — has known it for a while now — and he’s even told Carlos. He knows it’s because he loves Carlos so much, and he knows that Carlos loves him; he knows Carlos would never _ever_ hurt him.

And yet he’s managed to mess up the only good thing they had — the communication he prides himself on having with Carlos — because he’s too chicken to actually talk to Carlos about why he feels compelled to dismiss anything that has to do with his birthday.

“Dad,” he whines.

“I won’t tell you to enjoy a date you obviously hate so much, but I would love it if you’d allow us all to celebrate _you_. Because that’s what we’ll be doing this evening.”

TK nods, the first tears finally rolling freely down his cheeks, before he ducks his head and escapes back to his room. He hadn’t expected to start the day with a lecture about how much he’s loved and how disappointing he’s being. Objectively, he knows his father would never imply that he’s a disappointment, but TK feels like enough of one.

He flops down his bed when his phone chimes, and, sure enough, when he picks it up he sees he has a message from Carlos, asking him to move their dinner date to pizza in his apartment because he isn’t feeling well. TK can see now through the lie, but he still thinks he should reply. So he shoots a message back telling Carlos not to worry and wishing him to get better in time for their pizza and Netflix night. Carlos messages back with an emoji of a smiling cop, and TK can’t help the laughter bubbling up inside his throat.

He’s so gone for Carlos Reyes, it isn’t even funny anymore.

The rest of the day feels like a blur to him; at some point his father leaves a tray with food outside his door but TK doesn’t even acknowledge it. He asked for a day off to dwell on his despair, but after learning that there’s a surprise party waiting for him TK thinks he might go there and talk to his boyfriend — let him know that he hasnʼt been sabotaging Carlosʼ efforts purposefully. He doesn’t know how not to spoil the fun surrounding this day. 

He hears his father leaving the house a few hours later. TK takes it as his cue to get ready and try his best not to ruin the party. He fidgets with his phone before calling in for an Uber to pick him up in an hour. He has yet to shower, which takes him a good chunk of those sixty minutes heʼs granted himself. Afterwards, he walks over to his closet, choosing a pair of jeans and the button-up that he knows Carlos loves, and grabs his keys before exiting the house. He types a message to his boyfriend to let him know heʼs on his way. 

When the black car pulls over by Carlosʼ building, TK is a mess of nerves. He shouldn’t be, because he knows that the people waiting for him inside are the ones he considers his family, but he canʼt help it. He tiptoes around the bushes by the entrance, and rings the bell with a wince. 

There’s no turning back. 

Carlos opens the door with a big smile of his own as he pulls TK closer, greeting him with a soft kiss on the lips. “Happy birthday, Ty,” he whispers. He isn’t moving, effectively keeping TK in the foyer and preventing him from entering further into the apartment. 

“Thanks,” he accepts the wishes without a fight, earning himself a surprised chuckle from his boyfriend. “Arenʼt you going to let me in? It's my birthday after all.” 

“I, uh, I may have—” Carlos stammers, blushing violently. TK drops a kiss on his cheek before saving Carlos from himself. 

“—gone overboard and thrown me a party?” TK smiles, leaning up for another kiss. “My father told me. It’s okay, Carlos.”

“Are you sure? Because I can tell everyone to go back home.” 

“We can hear you, you know?” comes Michelleʼs voice from the living room. TK bursts out in laughs. 

“And let Michelle down after she’s traveled all the way back down to old Texas? Not a chance!” he insists, grabbing Carlosʼ hand and tugging him inside. When he steps into the living room, he is greeted by a vision heʼs happy to see. 

Everyone he loves and cherishes is there, beneath a huge banner that reads _Happy Birthday TK_ in big, green glittery letters, cheering on when he walks in. He can spot the Ryders and the rest of his fire family — Mateo looks like heʼs already started with the candy — and he can also see Michelle close to Paul and Zoe with her arm hooked to his fatherʼs. There arenʼt many people that he would have liked to see gathered in a surprise party for him, but somehow Carlos has managed to put them all in the same place. 

“Your mother will FaceTime a little later,” Carlos explains. Heʼs talking fast, the way he always does when heʼs nervous. “She’s currently in Israel, so she’s quite ahead of us, but she said—” 

“Wait, you talked to my mother?” TK interrupts him, turning from the crowd in front of him to his boyfriend, who is now shifting his weight from one leg to the other. 

“Yeah?” 

TK lunges forward and kisses Carlos hard, square in those lips that he already knows by heart. He knows how hard it's been for Carlos to speak to his mother — Gwenyth Strand is a force of nature and she intimidated the hell out of sturdy cop Carlos Reyes — and TK just wants to show how much he loves his boyfriend, now and every single day.

The catcalls and wolf whistles force them to separate just as Carlos was starting to kiss him back. He moves away from his boyfriend bashfully before choosing to mingle with his friends and allow them to shower him with their love and well wishes. He doesn’t stop checking on Carlos from time to time, finding him offering mocktails and snacks to everyone. 

“Having fun?” his father says, surprising him with a strawberry mockjito that TK accepts with a laugh. 

“I haven’t felt this good in a while,” TK confesses. “It feels great, to be here with everyone. I can't believe I almost passed on it.” 

“Good thing you had someone to push you over.”

TK leans in, his head on top of his father's shoulder, and exhales deeply. “Thank you, Dad. For everything.” 

His father hums back. TK allows his gaze to wander through the room, catching a glimpse of Carlos laughing underneath the glittery banner. TK canʼt help the smile that splits his face, spreading a warmth heʼs not used to feeling inside. “You know, I think he knows,” his father whispers. “He knows you carry some weight you can't shed, and heʼs still here. He’s a keeper, son. And he loves you.” 

“I know,” TK agrees softly. He reflects on the past four years of his life — on the pain and the fear and the darkness, but also on the light and the hope and the love that Carlos Reyes has brought to his life — and realizes that no one in this room has ever seen him like an addict or a problem. 

Everyone here has always been a support, even when he hadn’t known he needed one. 

Carlos looks back at him and tips his glass at TK, who mimics the gestures with his own. They laugh in sync, pretty much like they have been living for the past years, and TK feels the weight sliding slightly off his shoulders. 

Maybe he isn’t ready to talk to Carlos about how much ache heʼs stored from his time with Alex, but he's taken the first step out of his memories and into the light. That's all that matters to him. 

He sips his mocktail, already planning the next big party he wants to throw.


End file.
